An Open Letter - You Know Who You Are

So there are a million things I want to say to you. Did you mean what you said? How could you say it? Was everything a lie? But I guess most importantly now, I'm questioning, who are you? 

It's funny, one of the things you said to me was "I can't be there for you anymore. I don't want to be." You always used to tell me that you thought that if you disappeared, no one would notice. I always told you that I would. That I'd try and find you. Well, you have disappeared. And I've tried. I really have. But I can't find somebody who doesn't want to be found... and I just can't keep looking anymore. You don't want me to. It's all just...it's too hard. It's too much.

You're so different to who you were, it's so hard for me to grasp. I think the reason why I always wanted to be with you was because I missed you. I've just realised that the reason why I missed you so much even though you were always there, was because you're not you. Not the you I like. Not the you I once loved. 

I keep, trying to justify to myself all of your actions. I have for a while now, not just to myself but to everyone around me too. I know how everyone sees me now. Stupid girl, never got over the boy. Keeps going back for more pain. Because that's exactly what happened. More pain. More everything. 

Who you are now and who you were, are totally different people. Who you were... I loved you then. I think I still could now. He was...everything. I'll always miss him. Who you are...I can't stand it. It's everything I hate in a person. You're callous, you're a cheater and you blame everything on me. You twist everything to be my fault. It's not, I'm realising that now. This....it wasn't solely my fault. I'm not a horrible person. And I didn't deserve what you said to me. I firmly believe that now, while I didn't before. I didn't deserve it. It was, horrible, callous and cruel. Ironically, you're worst nightmare. I know you too. I know you think that everything'll be ok and I'll still talk to you and joke around with you when we're with friends. But I won't. Because it's not ok. It's not even in the same continent as ok. You hurt me, in a way that was so destructive and cruel I still can't believe it. You're so unaffected that in a way, I can't believe I wasted so much time and energy trying to do this. I cared. I still do if I'm honest. But you...you threw away a good thing. I honestly believe that. I cared so much. I was there for you. And we connected. It was more that physical, you know that and I know that. And maybe someday, yea, it could've been something more if you weren't so afraid of just jumping with me. Taking a chance. 

I could've been the girl for you. You could've had me, all of me. And for the longest time I thought that I wasn't good enough for you, that I wasn't just wasn't...enough. But maybe you're not. You're not brave enough, not strong enough. You need to grow up. We both do. Because we both seem to get confused and then hurt each other. And you can't seem to want to face the truth in things. You're slowly losing your friends because you don't have time for them. You have no idea what you truly want out of life, because you can't see the importance of it. You're basically in uni doing the only thing that sounded vaguely interesting to you more because you wanted and were expected to be in uni rather than because you feel that this is your path. You don't expect good things because you harbour this deep-seeded self hate which I could never get to the bottom of. You don't let anyone really know you. You've cheated on two of your girlfriends. You're in a relationship with someone because they wanted it so badly and you didn't have the heart to say no. You're drawn to me, and it's more than just physical and it scares you because we are so destructive. Because it feels like we've tried and failed. And you don't want to fail again. 

I wish you were braver. I wish you would just let me know you. But somewhere along the line, you stopped telling me things. I can't keep trying. I won't. 

So best of luck. I hope you find your happiness and meaning somewhere.