I miss you still...

And I wish that I didn't. So much.

You watched the seasons pull...

...up it's own stakes.

Watch the last weekend...

...of the last week.

So today was a good day. Baxter day! He's gorgeous and amazing and so so lovable. Although more time really should have been devoted to exam work... Sigh exams. The bane of my existence at the current time. Wait, I tell a lie. We all know what the bane of my existence really is right now. Sigh. Need to get out of this city and away. Just need to be able to take my mind off it all completely. Let go. Because I think it's a well known fact that the guy from two years ago is long gone. And I'll always miss him. 

If it's a broken part, replace it

If it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken hear, then face it

It's true though, isn't it. I suppose facing what has happened is sometimes half the battle. I'm tired. So tired. And I want to stop thinking. I want to stop being angry, I want to stop feeling hurt. I want to stop considering what my next course of action should be. I want to stop wondering about factors which I can't control. There shouldn't have to be a next course of action to take. This isn't my responsibility anymore. It is not my fault. It's not my thing to fix. 

Time to let go. 

It's just that classic story

Having one of those moments when I realise that my life could be one of those sad pathetic teen movies. You know the ones. Girl meets boy in primary school. Boy is girl's first crush. Boy and girl lose touch. Boy reemerges dating girl's friend. Boy and girl date. Happiness abounds. And then of course, girl moves interstate. Boy and girl break up, but have problems keeping it that way. Boy turns out to be massive prick. 

So yea, i think that about summarises it all thus far. Pretty sad huh. So by my estimates, we're about...well either 30 minutes in or 1 hour in. Either boy will run in and redeem himself, or it will turn out that boy wasn't the male lead after all. We're still waiting for a new dashing character to enter the scene. So i guess I'm just waiting for that now huh. And trying to work out how to get boy fired from the set. 

Head under water and you tell me to breathe easy for a while...

But breathing gets harder, even I know that.

Ah Sara Bareilles and the words of Love Song.  "I'm not gonna write you a love song cause you asked for it" So basically right now I am completely lacking in motivation. I am floundering in the idea that I'm going to fail and have hit the point where I really can't do anything about it. Which horrifies me completely, because I really do need to get this done. Sigh. Stress stress stress. Not fun. 

Rage

So I'm immensely enraged. That's all I can really say. I'm so angry. How is it that I'm still standing here, wallowing in the same old grief while others have so easily moved on??? I mean, what sort of logic / world do we live in where I've been hurt, always have been and still am being and he gets to live happily with no guilt, no remorse, nothing. He's completely fine because "it had to be done". Seriously. Did I deserve it? I don't know. I don't think so. And the stupid thing is this massive part of me refuses to believe that he is an asshole and a bastard and all those bad things. Because surely I wouldn't have fallen in love with one of those. I'm so confused and angry and upset that he's so unaffected. 

Ready To Fly

I feel like I am today. 

An Open Letter - You Know Who You Are

So there are a million things I want to say to you. Did you mean what you said? How could you say it? Was everything a lie? But I guess most importantly now, I'm questioning, who are you? 

It's funny, one of the things you said to me was "I can't be there for you anymore. I don't want to be." You always used to tell me that you thought that if you disappeared, no one would notice. I always told you that I would. That I'd try and find you. Well, you have disappeared. And I've tried. I really have. But I can't find somebody who doesn't want to be found... and I just can't keep looking anymore. You don't want me to. It's all just...it's too hard. It's too much.

You're so different to who you were, it's so hard for me to grasp. I think the reason why I always wanted to be with you was because I missed you. I've just realised that the reason why I missed you so much even though you were always there, was because you're not you. Not the you I like. Not the you I once loved. 

I keep, trying to justify to myself all of your actions. I have for a while now, not just to myself but to everyone around me too. I know how everyone sees me now. Stupid girl, never got over the boy. Keeps going back for more pain. Because that's exactly what happened. More pain. More everything. 

Who you are now and who you were, are totally different people. Who you were... I loved you then. I think I still could now. He was...everything. I'll always miss him. Who you are...I can't stand it. It's everything I hate in a person. You're callous, you're a cheater and you blame everything on me. You twist everything to be my fault. It's not, I'm realising that now. This....it wasn't solely my fault. I'm not a horrible person. And I didn't deserve what you said to me. I firmly believe that now, while I didn't before. I didn't deserve it. It was, horrible, callous and cruel. Ironically, you're worst nightmare. I know you too. I know you think that everything'll be ok and I'll still talk to you and joke around with you when we're with friends. But I won't. Because it's not ok. It's not even in the same continent as ok. You hurt me, in a way that was so destructive and cruel I still can't believe it. You're so unaffected that in a way, I can't believe I wasted so much time and energy trying to do this. I cared. I still do if I'm honest. But you...you threw away a good thing. I honestly believe that. I cared so much. I was there for you. And we connected. It was more that physical, you know that and I know that. And maybe someday, yea, it could've been something more if you weren't so afraid of just jumping with me. Taking a chance. 

I could've been the girl for you. You could've had me, all of me. And for the longest time I thought that I wasn't good enough for you, that I wasn't just wasn't...enough. But maybe you're not. You're not brave enough, not strong enough. You need to grow up. We both do. Because we both seem to get confused and then hurt each other. And you can't seem to want to face the truth in things. You're slowly losing your friends because you don't have time for them. You have no idea what you truly want out of life, because you can't see the importance of it. You're basically in uni doing the only thing that sounded vaguely interesting to you more because you wanted and were expected to be in uni rather than because you feel that this is your path. You don't expect good things because you harbour this deep-seeded self hate which I could never get to the bottom of. You don't let anyone really know you. You've cheated on two of your girlfriends. You're in a relationship with someone because they wanted it so badly and you didn't have the heart to say no. You're drawn to me, and it's more than just physical and it scares you because we are so destructive. Because it feels like we've tried and failed. And you don't want to fail again. 

I wish you were braver. I wish you would just let me know you. But somewhere along the line, you stopped telling me things. I can't keep trying. I won't. 

So best of luck. I hope you find your happiness and meaning somewhere. 

Lying on the Bathroom Floor in my Prom Dress

It's been almost two years since I was here last. But in a weird way, nothing has changed. The same boy is still breaking my heart. I'm still up at 4am. Still feeling a little bit tortured. So what's really changed?

Well, this is when I tell you! I'm all self-actualised now. I'm finding who I am. And to be honest, I kinda like it. I am, fiery and passionate, loving, sometimes insecure, a know-it-all and judgemental. I'm impulsive, which is a good and bad thing, and I'm beginning to learn that I don't adjust well to change at all. 

I'm angry and upset and damaged. I'm Izzie, lying on the bathroom floor in the prom dress. Broken again. Abandoned. Disappointed

I can't, express how I feel it seems. I've been awake for the last hour running conversations through my head. Thinking about things I want to say, and it all feels so cliche and melodramatic. So I'm going to try and get it down. But that needs a new post...